From here on I am doing whatever it takes to put the one thing in life first that has come natural to me since my mother handed me my first camera when I was ten and try my absolute best to not take negativite reactions from people too personal. Taking pictures and making memories freeze in time has always been an important aspect of my life. All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be able to be a true photographer and I have decided that I will only be thappy if I can find a way to take the time for myself to focus and make it happen. I have been making baby steps for so long that it's past due time I get this puppy going full swing. Recently the hubs and I have been trying to figure out a way for me to stay home and raise our little one and also work at the same time and bring in some extra income. We have thrown one idea after another at each other of what we could do to start our own business that just haven't seemed to quite fit right. From the idea of selling supplements to trying to start a reclaimed furniture business to whatever else that just didn't seem to work out. That in itself though is a whole other rant that I won't go into any further because there's just another example of how there just isn't enough time unless you make it and take it. So with that said I'm putting both feet first at making the time and taking it to put my photography first and turn it from a dream ato a reality.
When I was sixteen and in high school my mother bought me my first Minolta SLR 35mm film camera for a photography class I signed up for at school. I still have it to this day and it even still works rather well after being chewed up by our dog even at one point. I had so much ambition back then when I was younger but I didn't ever truly believe in myself until recently. By the time I was eighteen and graduated from high school was right about the time when digital photography was the new thing. Instantly digital photography left a bad taste in my mouth. I felt defeated almost instantly. I knew what was coming and what was going to happen to film and it did and has. I knew that the experience I had learned in just a few short years would be taken away in a flash and it did. Something I had aspired so much to do and be that seemed reasonably reachable was taken and set up on this high ledge for me never to reach because I alone could t afford it. It seemed. But I kept on for a short while learning the craft and trying my best to not let the digital era defeat me. Whelp, eventually it did. I'd say for a good while too. My mother did her best to support me and my dreams but I already knew the NY Photography Institute curriculum she had acquired for me would all too soon be outdated and irrelevant. A waste. I stopped doing my studies and right out quit being serious about photography and making it a priority. I had this dark feeling from the deepest part inside of me telling me to give up and that I would never be enough constantly. That something told me that the once affordable 35mm camera compared to the new fancy digital ones, I would never be able to afford one and would never own one. Eventually with the cost of film and processing, I gave up. Yes I gave up. I gave up my dream. I was crushed and still am today that I made that horrible decision to allow myself to steep so low. To not believe was the worst thing possible I could have done. Since then I still have had a yearning love and appreciation for the art of photgraphy but I would break down at museum exhibits and have to leave because the rush of guilt and cold hardheartedness would consume me with the realization of the strength and power just a collection of pictures could hold. That went on for almost a decade. When I picked up my camera it was only to get random holiday Kodak moments. No longer was I thinking of it as an artistic expression. It was just a recording of life and it's passing so that I'll be able to remember when I get old and senile. At least I could appreciate them and not worry about if someone was happy with their shot or not. It was more just me hanging on by a thread to the one easy comfort I have in life. Then someone amazing in my life came along and believed in me and to an extent a part of me said it didn't matter, it would never happen but it did. It was a spark. It was the tiniest of sparks but it was enough to keep me going longer. That spark then turned into an ember when that someone brought home to their wife her first real digital camera SLR. Yep, that's right this girl. This girl right here has an amazing husband who had strength enough to believe in someone beside himself and he stills does today just as much if not more. Thank you honey. Since that very day it began again. An ember from a spark and now I needed the oxygen for the fire. At this time I still bare the scar of what regret I carried from making the worst decision I ever made in my life. But I know it's up to me to make it up, I just needed time to find myself again an heal. Time to dust of the silver knuckles and really get down to the knitty gritty of life is what ended up happening. I struggled to find that motivation I had given up so easily. That get up and go just didn't come back how I had hoped it would. It's almost like it was punishment for making bad decisions in life and not living it to the fullest and taking full advantage of the opportunities that are there to be found and had. Eventually I noticed and knew this was going to be a long swim back to finding myself and that artistic expression I had lost or buried in the deepest parts of my soul. Eventually things went dark again. The struggle became too much. I didn't take myself serious. Another road bump in the road, I lost focus and got distracted and began to focus on life itself and the pain I was processing with things that were beyond my control that just seemed to stop me dead in my tracks. I became angry for a while and sank deep into the negative darkness and dug myself a whole where I festered on the what if's and the could haves and the it will never be's. The pressure of the world and it's weight of sadness and sorrow was too much. Anything I touched I wanted to destroy. I didn't care. I didn't want to even live at times because I was convinced all hope was lost. But I battled through it and still have my ups and downs. I became aware and knew that only I can dig myself out of this rut and it's too soon to give up again completely. I had found the spark once, I can find it again. I just have to dig a little deeper to find it and keep remembering to remind myself I am enough. This time I'll have to make due with that. I continued to take more and more pictures whenver I had the chance. Every social gathering we went I became that annoying person that had the really obnoxiously bright flash and mostly I didn't care, sometimes I did. But then when the people I held close and considered friends or family would get fed up I learned ways to work with them and still get a shot. Even if it was crappy I got some shots. It was a learning process in itself. I learned from that not to take their emotions of something like annoyance or them just not wanting their picture taken wasn't against me it was the situation they were in and them being closed off. I still have struggles sometimes not taking it personal when people are snide about getting a picture taken and it shuts me completely down. It's hard not to take it as a slap when all you're wanting to do is something like get a picture and make a treasure out of perspective or something unseen by the naked eye. It's hard in general just being a sensitive person in such a harsh world but what can you do about it except try to make change for good and change for understanding life and others living it the same as yourself.
Today I sat down to take some time to catch up on organizing, sharing, and backing up the gazillion photos I have neglected for months and years while trying to get myself back on course and on focus of staying active shooting and building my portfolio and work experience. In doing so I do believe I have decided that it would also be in my best interest to share with you all some of my favorites as I go through them. So with all the above being said and what I'm stating right now I am going to post and update those pictures at this very place from this moment on. They may be few and far in between but as they come up this will be my dedicated space to them for me to share for your viewing pleasure. I do hope you all enjoy as this is a personal struggle I am processing toward getting past my habit of not sharing my work as I should and not believing in myself as I should. We are all capable within ourselves you just have to believe.
So with every thing said for this post I think I've said enough. Now it's time for a picture for today... Below is the most recent sunrise picture I have taken of the pond or lake as my husband defines it at the end of our street here in NW Arkansas. This picture motivates me not only because of the beauty captured that cold brisk morning but also because one of my father in-laws friends liked it enough to share it as a featured photo on his Facebook photo page that is a collection of breathtaking photos of Arkansas called Then There Was Arkansas. His appreciation of it reminded me that I am truly capable and talented and that dreams can become reality only if you work on them.
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